If it seems to you that the partner grew cold, you do not hurry with conclusions. The man does not want to make love for various reasons, and put, most likely, not in you. Fear to lose control, the overestimated expectations, stresses at work, medicines – here some explanations from the whole list possible. So why desire leaves?
Sexologists and psychotherapists even more often hear from men of the complaint to lack of desire. “Among them there is a lot of absolutely young to whom it was not executed also to thirty – the family psychologist Inna Sevfrovin tells. – They have no physiological problems, but however there is no excitement also: does not concern them concrete or in general – any partner”. From where this decline of interest in sex from where men who do not want sex undertake?
The inhibited desire
“Feeling inclination to the woman, I expect troubles in advance – 43-year-old Mikhail admits. – Most of all I am afraid to lose control over myself. So already happened, and every time I made mistakes which cost me too expensive”. The aspiration to avoid undesirable consequences, for example such as dependence on the partner, loss of independence, risk it to be the victim of emotional blackmail (“sex will not be until I receive a gift”) – all this can force to refuse intimate relations. It does not mean that the man has no sexual inclination.
“It disappears only under the influence of serious hormonal violations – the sexologist Jim Kolinworth emphasizes. – However the inclination can be suppressed”. Unlike animals, people it is capable to operate the instincts. So, we can make the decision to refuse pleasures of flesh for the idea.
“The one who was brought up in the spirit of rigid morals can perceive sexuality as something menacing, “wrong” – the sexologist Inna Pankova adds. – And then such person will estimate full or partial abstention as “good” behavior”.
Fear of failure
There were in the past times when only men’s pleasure mattered in sex. Today the man knows: his debt – to take care also of the woman. Who sometimes consider that they together with the right for pleasure acquired the right for criticism, sometimes quite bilious? Such remarks can be terrible for men’s desire. “The sexual criticism is stamped on the memory of the man forever; he will remember all life” – the sexologist Inna Pankova notices.
Sometimes behind loss of desire the fear not to give pleasure to the partner is
“Sometimes I hear how women complain: “it did not give me an orgasm” – Jim Kolinworth tells – as if the partner hides it and does not share. But it is important to understand sexual equality truly: it is impossible to confer only on one of partners all responsibility for pleasure in couple. Everyone should learn to care for itself, organizing and directing another if it is necessary”.
Dictatorship of female values
The hidden social pressure also is guilty of decline of men’s desire, the psychoanalyst Elaine Vecquiali considers.
“Society extols femininity and “female” advantages: everything to discuss softness, consensus, desire… – she speaks. – From men demand to develop in themselves these qualities – as though in women everything is “correct”, and in men everything is wrong! Whether” It is easy to remain the man when what makes a masculinity, is considered as rough, aggressive, cruel? How to put desire into words which speaking are alien? And women benefit nothing from such depreciation of male values.
“They need to admire the man to love it – the psychoanalyst continues. – Also, it is necessary that they were wished. It turns out, women lose on both fields: they live with men whom do not admire anymore and who do not wish them any more”.
Sometimes a conclusion that desire left becomes one of partners or both not on the basis of the facts, and on the basis of the assumptions of how “has to be”. “For a year we met the girlfriend of times a week, and I heard from her only the flatter compliments – 34-year-old Pavel shares the history. – However, we should beginning have to lived together as I felt her growing discontent and could not understand the reasons until she frankly asked why we have so not enough sex. But it was not less of it, than earlier! It appeared, she waited that she at joint life will be every night same passionate, as at the time of short meetings. Involuntarily I disappointed her and felt awfully”.
Phrase “men need only one” repeats so often that many take it on trust
Idea that the man wants sex constantly and is ready to it when necessary, as much as necessary and with anyone, appears either the myth, or delusion which is based that the particular is taken for the general rule. By nature men have various need for sex – Jim Kolinworth continues. – In the period of love it increases, but then comes back to habitual level. And attempts to artificially increase sexual activity are fraught with problems with health, for example with heart. It is also important to remember that the sexual inclination decreases with age and not to demand from itself or the partner of former “records”.
“I am afraid to change it”
Svetlana, 36, is married 10 years, three children:
“When I got acquainted with future husband, quickly understood that he not really is interested in sex, but as I then got out of the relations in which only one sex also was necessary to men, it was pleasant to me. At us was born three children in four years, and I accepted a rhythm of our intimate life. Now the younger daughter is four years old, and I would like that my sexual life was richer. We never started talking about it, and recently I suggested the husband to address the sexologist. To my astonishment, he agreed. But since then the problem was only aggravated: I think, he felt that I wait from it for something special, and now it has problems with an erection. Begins to seem to me that he does not want me as he considers thick, ugly, and as a result I such feel! At the same time he is a lovely person, we have everything to be happy. I do not want to throw it, I just am afraid that I eventually can change it…”
Whether the pornography is guilty?
Opinions of experts how availability of porno and erotic production influences men’s desire, disperse. The psychoanalyst Jacques Aren considers that “a certain satiation the sexuality filling everything around takes place. And desire always eats the shortage of what we wish”. At the same time he emphasizes that the lack of desire does not mean lack of the sexual relations for the younger generation: just these relations exclude an emotional component, become “technical”. Online sex pleasures became very accessible. Cheap cam girls can give men what they need and they don’t have to spend a lot to get sex. It’s so easy that a lot of young men use it.
And Jim Kolinworth believes that the pornography does not reduce desire: “The sexual inclination is comparable with hunger: it cannot be satisfied, watching how eat others”. However, according to him, the habit to a pornography is capable to influence satisfaction degree: “Fans of video can have not enough visual stimulation, during real sexual intercourse we not so much watch how many we feel, we feel, we act”. It is possible to fill this shortage by means of mirrors, and some couples involve video equipment to observe themselves from outside, feeling like creative group of own erotic movie.
In case of loss of desire to men 50 years are more senior it is worth consulting with physicians, the andrologist Ronald Virande advises. The inclination is connected with testosterone level. His content in blood is from 3 to 12 nanograms on a milliliter. If it falls below this level, noticeable decrease in desire is observed. The role is played also by other biological parameters, in particular hormones of a hypophysis and hypothalamus and also neurotransmitters (dopamines, endorphins, oxytocin). In addition, some medicines suppress production of testosterone. Intake of hormones can be registered in such cases.
Jim Kolinworth specifies: “And still in order that decrease in inclination was caused by hormonal reasons, these reasons have to be very serious (for example, castration (including alcoholic). If during puberty the level of men’s hormones was normal, then their natural fluctuations practically do not affect further a libido. Reasons of decrease in inclination first of all psychological”.
Economic crisis as sexual incentive
Financial difficulties increase desire to have sex at men, the social psychologist Omri Gillat found out. However, it is about “short-term strategy”: it means that in the face of any threat they involuntarily seek to find as much as possible partners for a short time. “In adverse conditions of the man for survival are inclined to look for sex outside the monogamous relations more widely to extend the genes – it is said in a research. – When an environment is favorable also food enough, they will care rather for children who they already have and to remain with the partner or to look for the long-term relations. But if there is a danger again and chances of survival go down, there is a deficiency of food or there are more enemies – men will prefer short-term strategy with the purpose to increase reproduction”.
Pressure of overloads
“When the man addresses me concerning lack of desire, quite often it becomes clear that it has difficulties… at work – Inna Sinamone notices. – Losing confidence in professional competence, he begins to doubt also other abilities”. Sexual desire – only one of sides of our libido and desire in general. His absence can be entered in a depression context: the man does not want to have sex any more, but he and wants nothing else any more.
Jacques Aren describes “a syndrome of the old tired man”: “It has a lot of work, children who tire him, the problems connected with “wear” of matrimonial life it aging and decline of vital forces frightens, and it is not so simple to it to give new force to the desire”. To refuse criticism, to support – here that the woman can make for it. However, it is necessary to discuss difficulties of the partner with care, preserving his self-assessment and remembering that “the conversation on problem subjects can cause concern and alarm. These feelings take away from corporal desires aside” – Inna emphasizes. So you should not begin such conversation before physical proximity.
Step towards each other?
How anew to coordinate female and men’s desires? “Moving – Elaine Vecquiali answers – accepting the fact that the situation changed. We live during change of roles and to regret already late for patriarchal times. It is time for women to cease to demand from men of everything at the same time. And it will be useful for men to be mobilized: women changed, and today they know what is wanted. In this sense men should follow an example of them and to approve own desire”.